


Thin Ice and Sharpened Skates

by pwark_js



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Skating, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Drugs, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Gay, Hockey, How Do I Tag, I love slow burns, Ice Skating, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun & Suh Youngho | Johnny Are Best Friends, M/M, Marijuana, Mentioned Osaki Shotaro, Minor Mark Lee/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Nakamoto Yuta is Whipped, Nakamoto Yuta-centric, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Sexuality, Skating, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Trigger Warnings, Weed, im really not gonna go too into it though most likely, johnmark, shotaro and yuta are brothers, sicheng is a bitch low key but we love him, sicheng is also a pro figure skater, tw, yuta is a pro figure skater, yuwin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:27:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27845994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pwark_js/pseuds/pwark_js
Summary: Yuta genuinely loved being on the ice. He loved the slice of his skates and the way he glided across the rink. It was such a free moment where he didn’t have to worry about anything except himself, his partner, and the ice beneath his skates. He felt like he was flying. Especially when he did his jumps. Yeah, they were difficult and even a bit scary, but they gave him adrenaline. He could feel it pumping through his veins as he stepped his back foot into a well practiced triple lutz. It almost felt like he was skating in slow motion when he entered his jumps. He had to get it just right or he would pop it and fall out of it. But, everything sped up again when he landed. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears. His breath coming out harshly. This was where he felt most alive. The only thing he had to focus on was winning, his life didn’t have to get in the way. He pulled his energy from the ice. This was where he felt like he could breathe easy.Or, in which a new solo skater arrives at the rink and introduces himself as Sicheng and Yuta begins to realize there's more to life than just figure skating.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Mark Lee/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi~!  
> i finally thought of a new idea for an au and i'm really excited about this one  
> it's a figure skating au, i was inspired because winter is coming up fast and this is definitely the season for ice skating (i was also thinking about watching yuri on ice again), although covid is running rampant still unfortunately  
> i'm stuck at home doing online school so i finally found some motivation to write again, this time its yuwin centric <3  
> i'm not, like, amazing well versed in skating language so if there's anything i get wrong, i'm very sorry! 
> 
> anyways, please let me know what you guys think. i hope you like it and always thank you so much for reading. i really appreciate it !!  
> stay healthy and stay safe!  
> enjoy~ <3
> 
> *unedited  
> **this might take me a while to update i've got a huge workload and finals is coming up! pls bear with me <3

How early was it? Way too early to be awake, that’s for sure. Yet there Yuta was, sitting on the bench, taping up the blisters on his heels before pulling on his socks. He sighed gently, wincing as he stepped one foot into his less than pristine, white skate. He checked the time before pulling on the other one. 5:45 AM. His partner wouldn’t be there for another fifteen minutes so he could actually get on the ice before she came barreling in to ruin his peace and quiet. He didn’t love mornings, but his skating partner made them especially worse with her constant nagging. And to make things worse, his feet were hurting because of the blisters, but it was nothing he wasn’t really used to. He stood up and stretched, pulling his arm behind his head to loosen up his shoulder as he walked precariously down to the ice skating rink. He was used to walking on the blades of his ice skates, but he always felt like he was waddling when he did it.

Yuta was a figure skater. A damn good one at that, too. He pair skated. His partner was pretty good, but sometimes she had trouble keeping up with him. She didn’t always land her triple jumps correctly, but Yuta was way ahead of her. Sure, triple jumps weren’t exactly _easy_ , but he landed them consistently enough that he was even working on quadruples. Not that he could ever do a quad jump in pair skating. The two mostly stuck to triples or doubles, trying to up their point score by pulling off the hardest jumps. His partner wasn’t always able to pull them off, but he’d been a pair skater as long as he could remember and he loved it. Figure skating was filled with elegance in general, but skating as a couple was romantic and the tension was unheard of. Not that he felt anything for his partner, it was best to keep it professional anyway. But, the feigned adoration for each other made the audience become puddles in their seats, no matter how cold the ice rink was.

He didn’t know how many first place trophies he’d won, but it was quite a few. And he absolutely loved the feeling of winning. It was satisfying for the most part, hard work pays off, but it was also the fact that it boosted his ego. A lot. He didn’t want to specifically admit that he had a big ego, but he was _really_ good at skating so it was implied that he would have one. Though, he didn’t want to be a dick about it, so he mostly kept his victories to himself and his friends. Oh god, his friends. They were a crazy group, like really crazy. Two of them were hockey players, Jeno and Jaehyun. Johnny was an old high school friend who brought along his boyfriend, Mark. Oh yeah, and Jeno was fucking two people at once. They drank so much and they smoked _a lot_ , saving the hard drugs for celebrations. Nobody knew what went on behind the scenes, everyone figured Yuta’s life was calm and collected, filled with the serene sport of figure skating.

Sure, it was most of the time. He tried not to move with the crowd, but every so often he caught himself making the same mistakes as his friends. They were free to do what they pleased, Yuta wouldn’t judge them, especially because he’s done the same thing. He knew in the back of his mind he was making bad decisions, but he couldn’t always stop himself. Competing was stressful and no matter how good he was, he still threw up before every single program. It calmed his nerves and made it easier for him to focus. But, sometimes he just couldn't calm down which forced him into the world of drinking and drugs. It was horribly unnecessary, but his friends enabled him and in all honesty, he would rather be tweaking than pulling his hair out from stress.

He looked up, halfway up the ramp, when he heard the slice of skates on the ice. He raised an eyebrow, nobody was ever there before six o’clock. Yuta waddled up the rest of the ramp before sitting down on the bleachers to take off his blade guards. He watched the unknown skater dance his way across the ice, gliding on one, pristine white skate. Yuta had never seen him before, his face was stern but focused as he breathed out against the cool air of the ice rink. The boy kicked himself into a triple toe loop, his skates popping as they crashed together expertly. As Yuta watched, he thought the boy was rotating in the air forever. He landed it perfectly, the heel of his skate shaving the ice as he pulled his long leg around. He skated backwards for a few moments before spinning around. His eyes met Yuta’s as he pushed his hair out of his face, trying to catch his breath.

The Japanese boy stepped onto the ice, flashing a smile at the new figure skater. The other boy just looked at him, his lip stuck between his teeth. If Yuta didn’t know any better, he would’ve thought the other was embarrassed,

“It’s not polite to stare.” The other offered, pulling his sleeve over his hand. He had dark brown hair that was parted messily in the center. His eyes were sharp and intense as he stared at the Japanese boy, his lips thick and narrow. One of his ears was pointy, the other round Yuta noticed as he stared back,

“Sorry,” Yuta chuckled as he pushed himself off with his right foot, “You’re really good, what’s your name?”

“Sicheng.” The boy responded, blowing into his hands and rubbing them together gently,

“Nice to meet you, I’m Yuta,” He pulled his arm across his chest, letting his skates glide across the marked ice, “Are you new? I’ve never seen you around before.”

“Yeah. I just moved here from China.” Sicheng told him as he skated his way to the edge of the rink and stepped off the ice,

“Where are you going?” Yuta asked,

“Don’t you want solo ice time?” The boy asked as he leaned against the rink’s half walls,

“No, I’m a pair skater. I need my partner to practice and she won’t be here until six. You’re welcome to keep skating, I’m just going to skate laps to warm up. I won’t get in your way.” Yuta let his skates glide across the ice. He was a little bit disappointed he didn’t get to warm up on the smooth, untouched ice, but it was probably better that someone got to use it for real practice. He heard the slice of the other boy’s skates as he returned to the ice and he had to smile to himself. He loved that sound, it was the sound of hard work and it was satisfying to listen to. He looked up to watch the Chinese boy again as he skated around the edge of the rink, still stretching out his arms to prepare himself for lifting his partner all day long.

Sicheng held some of the most elegance that the Japanese boy had ever seen. It was quite impressive to watch him skate around the rink and Yuta had only met him maybe five minutes ago. Sicheng was tall and slender. His limbs were long, perfect for dancing or ice skating. Yuta wouldn’t be very surprised if he also took ballet or was classically trained. He was beautiful from a figure skater’s standpoint. Beautiful and perfect. It felt so random for him to just show up on the ice, in all honesty, this was Yuta’s turf. But, he supposed it was fine if someone took the single skater spot. He raised an eyebrow as Sicheng stepped into a triple axel, spinning around in the air before landing on one foot and letting himself glide backwards, hands raised to balance himself. It was a shaky landing at best, definitely not perfected, but he didn’t fall.

Yuta crossed his arms, leaning against the wall of the rink as he watched. He didn’t really need to warm up, he already stretched before he got on the ice. He heard someone walking up the ramp and he turned around as Renjun appeared next to him,

“Who’s that?” He asked, looking up at the taller boy. He was one of Jeno’s “friends.” Renjun was a small petite boy, a very talented skater, and a great ballet dancer. He was cute, well according to Jeno at least,

“His name is Sicheng. He’s from China,” Yuta told him, returning to his original position as he leaned against the half wall again, “You come from Jeno’s?”

“Yeah, how’d you know?” Renjun looked at him again, taking off his blade guards and tossing them onto the closest bench,

“Your hair is a mess,” Yuta said nonchalantly, “Hope you’re using a condom.”

“Yeah, yeah,” The shorter boy brushed him off, “He’s good, did he just get here?”

“I mean he was here before me and yeah, he’s good. Though, he almost popped his triple axel.” The Japanese boy’s eyes traced the boy slicing his way across the ice. He seemed to be practicing a routine, spinning and dancing, his long limbs accentuating his grace and precision. He cross cut across the entire rink easily, covering the ice in a small amount of time. Sicheng glanced at Yuta before popping into a spin, his leg outstretched at a ninety degree angle. He was well trained, his technique accentuating his natural skill. Yuta looked at Renjun as the younger slid out onto the ice.

Renjun was a solo skater and he was still learning, but he was talented and the ballet lessons truly paid off. His skating was refined, but the younger boy was rather picky about what he could pull off. His skate dancing was by far some of the best Yuta had ever seen, but that was due to his dedication to not only figure skating but also ballet,

“Let him finish.” The Japanese boy told Renjun as he pulled his gloves on,

“Mhm.” The young Chinese boy began to stretch out his arms as the two continued to watch. He finished with a short spin, opening his arms up as his skates slid to a stop, his chin up. Yuta could see his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath. He let himself fall out of his ending pose, his hands gripping his knees as he breathed out deeply. The Japanese boy smirked, looking down before pushing off the wall with one foot. Sicheng was trying to show off, Yuta could tell because of the way he was pushing himself. He was trying to impress the people that had been practicing at the rink for years and it was working fairly well. But, if he pushed himself too hard, he was going to pop his jumps and hurt himself. He was talented, yes. Very talented. But, he didn’t need to show off. That just made Yuta want to. And that’s what he was about to do. As if some sort of miracle, his partner made her way up the ramp, sliding right out onto the ice. Yuta smiled at her, but she didn’t return it. _Uh oh_ ,

“You changed the triple sequence to triple, double, double?” She spoke loudly, her eyes blaring with an intense fire that was aimed at Yuta and Yuta alone. He didn’t know how it was possible, but she seemed to stomp out onto the ice as she skating towards him aggressively. Their jump sequence used to be a triple, triple, double, but his partner seemed to have a bit of trouble with that. After all, it was easier to go from a triple jump into a double jump and actually land it,

“No, coach changed it. I didn’t change it.” Yuta protested, frowning as he crossed his arms defensively,

“Why did she change it? The sequence was absolutely fine.” She put her hands on her hips. Her long brown hair was pulled into a tight ponytail, but it was flying crazily as she spoke,

“You couldn’t land the second jump consistently so she pulled it, I don’t know.” Yuta told her. He could see Renjun snickering at the edge of the rink and he made a mental note to murder him later. He didn’t appreciate being attacked at six in the morning and plus, it wasn’t even his decision. However, he did agree with it. They were better off getting less points for actually landing a clean jump than not landing a jump at all. Besides, it was the same jump, just less rotations. Maybe it would help her learn how to do the full triple jump,

“I can land the jump just fine!” Her hands turned into fists as she stomped her foot. She was acting like a two year old that didn’t get what they wanted. Yuta chuckled,

“Then prove it.” He told her. It was perfect, this way she would be in the right mindset to land the jump and they could do their long program which was just Yuta’s excuse to show off,

“Fine. Let’s go.” She placed her hand in the Japanese boy’s extended one. He glanced at Sicheng who was watching intently as the two made their way to the middle of the rink. There was no music, but the pair knew the routine well enough that they could do it without it. The thing about pair skaters was that they had to track their partner, making sure to match their movements and speed. It was all about trust. Yuta would never let his partner fall, but in the beginning she had some trouble with the lifts, especially when she would get thrown into a jump or held with one hand. They got over it, she trusted him—technically with her life—thanks to their coach.

Yuta held his hands to his partner’s waist as he stood behind her. He whispered a count for both of them before they began their routine. Yuta genuinely loved being on the ice. He loved the slice of his skates and the way he glided across the rink. It was such a free moment where he didn’t have to worry about anything except himself, his partner, and the ice beneath his skates. He felt like he was flying. Especially when he did his jumps. Yeah, they were difficult and even a bit scary, but they gave him adrenaline. He could feel it pumping through his veins as he stepped his back foot into a well practiced triple lutz. It almost felt like he was skating in slow motion when he entered his jumps. He had to get it just right or he would pop it and fall out of it. But, everything sped up again when he landed. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears. His breath coming out harshly. This was where he felt most alive. The only thing he had to focus on was winning, his life didn’t have to get in the way. He pulled his energy from the ice. This was where he felt like he could breathe easy.

He let himself slide to a stop, his skates creating a flurry of ice flakes. One arm was raised, the other held onto his partner’s hand as she spun into him. They both breathed heavily and sweat trickled down Yuta’s temple,

“You popped it. We’re going with the double.” The Japanese boy said, letting go of his partner before skating off the ice. He glanced back as he put his blade guards on. Sicheng wasn’t paying attention, instead working on something else in the corner of the rink. It was going to be a lot harder to impress him than Yuta thought. He let out a deep breath as he walked down the ramp. He desperately needed some water.

***

Yuta stared at the ceiling, admiring the old, wooden beams that were exposed. He sighed gently, sitting up and stretching out his arms. He was in Jeno’s basement after a long day of skating practice. The boy was lying on his couch, typing away on his phone. Jaehyun was using the younger’s xbox and all Yuta could hear was the gentle click of the joysticks and buttons,

“How was hockey practice?” The Japanese boy pushed his hair out of his face as he watched Jaehyun shoot away on the TV screen,

“Fuck. Coach made us do so many drills today, my body hurts so bad.” Jeno locked his phone and sat up, running a hand through his hair. He was a handsome boy, with dyed platinum hair and a strong jaw. He was known as the puppy, high energy and strong with a cute face. His eyes always crinkled when he smiled and Yuta thought he was really cute,

“Yeah, it was pretty awful. I’m going to be sore tomorrow.” Jaehyun tossed the controller onto the floor before laying down on the floor,

“Pff, not as sore as Renjun.” Yuta looked down with a small smirk,

“I feel like he’s used to it at this point.” Jaehyun talked towards the ceiling before glancing at Jeno,

“He asks for it. I don’t do anything I’m not asked to do.” Jeno shrugged before he stood up to grab something off of the shelf,

“I don’t understand how he’s fine with you sleeping with another person.” Yuta looked at him as Jeno sat back down on his couch and set out everything to roll a joint,

“I mean we’re not exclusive by any means. We fuck, that’s about it. Same with Jaemin. They both know about each other and chose to still have sex with me, so I don’t care.” The boy shrugged,

“You should ask them to have a threesome.” Jaehyun joked to which Yuta snorted. Jeno looked at them seriously,

“That’s actually such a good idea.”

“Stop, you’re joking,” Jaehyun sat up quickly and looked at him, “You’re so fucking horny.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I have two fuck buddies. You have how many? Zero.” Jeno licked the edge of the rolling paper, finishing up the joint before handing it to Jaehyun,

“I’m focused on hockey. Plus, if I’m horny I can just use my hand, it’s really not that difficult. Don’t pride yourself in fucking two people at once.” The older pulled a lighter out of his back pocket before placing the tip of the roll between his lips,

“Leave him be. It’s his choice, as long as he’s being safe.” Yuta watched as Jaehyun flicked the lighter a few times before lighting the joint,

“Don’t get herpes, Jen,” Jae paused, coughing as he breathed out a puff of smoke, “What about you, Yuta?”

“What about me?” Yuta looked at him curiously. Jaehyun was very handsome, too. He was quite cool, with dark brown hair and kind eyes. His voice was smooth and even just a flash of his smile could change anyone’s opinion. He didn’t really have a hard time getting anyone in terms of the dating scene, but he preferred to be single. The two were especially talented at their sport. They had to focus just as much as Yuta did, making sure they were fit and eating well. They had to get enough rest, but still make it to practice and be ready for a day to be worked hard. Being on the ice was quite demanding, but the three tried their best,

“Are you dating or sleeping with anyone?” Jaehyun held out the joint, the smoke disappearing into the basement as it rose from the burnt tip,

“No.” Yuta hesitated before taking it from him. He took a long drag, wanting to close his eyes as he breathed in the smoke. He wasn’t a huge fan of the taste of weed, but it made him feel a bit calmer and he would actually be able to sleep tonight,

“Why?” Jeno watched the Japanese boy breath out heavily,

“Not interested, I guess.” Yuta glanced at him before letting out a deep sigh. He hated talking about his love life. He wasn’t confident in what he knew about himself. He struggled with his sexuality, he really didn’t know what he wanted. Besides, he didn’t need a girlfriend or boyfriend or fuckbuddy. He needed to focus on skating and that’s what he was doing,

“You partner is cute.” Jaehyun said nonchalantly,

“Don’t,” Yuta passed the joint to Jeno who immediately took a long hit from it, “I don’t even want to think about that, please.”

“Sorry, but it’s true.” Jaehyun shrugged before he got up to sit on the couch,

“I mean she’s pretty yeah, but she’s kind of a bitch. Besides, she’s my partner, we have to keep it professional. If we don’t it could fuck up our programs if something happens or something,” Yuta shook his head before lying down on the floor again. I mean it was true, his partner was quite pretty. She had long brown hair that reached to the middle of her back. Her eyes were big and round and her smile was cute when she actually smiled. She had a bit of an attitude, but it was fine, Yuta didn’t actually care. Only in the mornings. Everyone who didn’t skate had wondered if they were dating because of their pretend romance on the ice. But, Yuta could never imagine himself with her. No matter how many ways he manhandled her it would never be sexual, “I have to focus on skating anyway. I don’t need a girlfriend.”

“Suit yourself,” Jeno laid down on the couch again, throwing his feet over the older’s lap, “By the way, you guys gotta clear out soon. Jaemin’s coming over.”

“You have issues.” Jaehyun looked at him and laughed as Jeno kicked him,

“Go fuck the boy at the cafe, you thirst over him all the time,” The youngest laughed, “Imagine over the counter.”

Yuta heard the sound of a pillow hitting a human and he could only smile as he threw an arm over his eyes. He tuned out the bickering that came after, only interested in the comfort that the darkness brought. He wasn’t exactly sure what he wanted because the only thing he knew was skating and skating to win. That’s how he impressed his parents, otherwise they didn’t care. He was used to it though, skating was his life and he was fine with that. But the fact there was more out there made him wonder if that was all he really needed. His friends did so much more even though they were also working toward a goal. So why did their’s seem so much more manageable? Was it because they actually found the time to go out and get wasted and sleep with people? Or was it because they genuinely considered their sport as a hobby?

Either way. Yuta was happy. That’s what he thought at least. He was talented and he worked hard so what more could he really need? There was a lot more to life than just winning competitions and there was a lot more than just skating. Though he didn’t really have time to branch out and try new things. He didn’t have time to really think about himself and what he wanted. All he knew at that very moment was that he was getting sleepy and he was actually thankful that he would be getting a good night’s sleep before another big day of practice tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!  
> thanks for your guys patience i rly appreciate it !!  
> i hope you guys enjoy this chapter and i'll hopefully be updating again soon, i have 1 final left but im working all break on projects for school ;_;  
> thank you for the comments and the kudos <3 it really motivates me to keep writing!!  
> also, yuta's partner is just gonna remain unnamed for the whole story most likely, she's really not important at all  
> anyways, hope you guys enjoy!! <3   
> let me know what you think :)

Yuta was always on the ice by 6:00 AM, no questions asked. He rarely did anything in the morning except wake up and splash some water on his face. But, he was feeling extra sleepy today after going to bed high. He sluggishly rolled out of bed at 5:23 AM and began to get dressed in the darkness of his room. He had showered the night before, his hair messy and unkempt as he awoke from his deep slumber. He did little to fix it, letting it fall into his face as he pulled on pants that were well suited for ice skating. He ran a hand through his hair, letting it fall wherever it felt like. Yuta sighed gently as he sat down on the edge of the bed to pull his socks on. He had a myriad of bandaids stuck to his heels and toes, every skater did. All he really wanted to do was stare at the wall until the sun came up, but he needed to leave now if he wanted to get something to wake him up. Coffee, more specifically.

He dragged himself into the hallway of his apartment. His parents paid the rent, so he got to live comfortably as long as he skated and as long as he won. It definitely was a privilege. He rubbed his eyes as he padded towards the room across from his. The door was ajar and it was dark in the room, but he could just make out the mound of blankets that laid still on the bed. Yuta’s last condition for having an essentially free apartment was that his little brother, Shotaro, had to live with him. Shotaro was about to turn seventeen and he was very independent. He got himself up everyday and even got himself to school. They’d spend time together from time to time, but Yuta mostly just made sure that he was in his room by 11 PM and that he was still there when he woke up. It’s not that he didn’t trust him, it’s just that the Japanese boy knew how teenagers could be and they could be pretty wild. Not that he thought his brother would pull any of the same stunts that he does.

He shut the door quietly as he stepped out. There was no way he would be waking up until a couple hours later when he had to get ready for school. Yuta stretched, raising his arms above his head as he went to the small closet beside the front door. He picked up his skates to shove them in his backpack before slipping on his shoes. He was unimaginably sleepy and he wasn’t even entirely sure why. He ignored his untied shoelaces as he slung the heavy bag over his shoulder and hurried out his front door. It wasn’t detrimental if he wasn’t there by six, but he preferred it, finding it easier to settle in and wake up by skating. He was running behind now, even though the rink was only ten minutes away. He desperately needed coffee though so he made the conscious decision to make a quick stop at the cafe on the way.

He didn’t usually drink coffee unless he hadn’t slept the night before. Those nights used to happen quite often. Yuta would lay awake, staring at the ceiling as he contemplated his life and where it was even going. He struggled for a long time, trying to reign in his emotions, pretending he was just fine as he skated program after program after program. He became as numb as the tips of his fingers. He had no idea where he was going and he had no idea who he was. He pushed and pushed on that absence, hoping to force a feeling out of it. He tried and he failed, the numbness spreading through his body. He was colder than the ice he skated on. All he knew was eat, sleep, skate. But, he crossed out sleeping to save time. He was a mess, struggling to get up in the morning, struggling to eat, struggling to skate. No matter how much of the time his friends were high or drunk or just out of it, they noticed. Thank God they did, or Yuta isn’t exactly sure where he’d be.

Jaehyun and Johnny were the ones that were really there for him. They took care of him, sober of course. They basically lived with him while they were trying to pick up the pieces he was leaving behind. They made sure he ate, made sure he fell asleep, and made sure he got skating practice in good shape. It wasn’t that Yuta didn’t appreciate it, but he was stubborn, refusing to accept that he needed any type of help with his life. While he probably should’ve gotten professional help, there was no way he was going to admit that to himself nor his parents. Johnny and Jaehyun held his hand, beginning by warming up his freezing cold fingertips. The love and care that they showed him shocked him awake. It was like taking a deep breath after he’d been underwater for so long. His heart started pumping, blood returning to his empty veins. When his skates hit the ice he felt like he was where he was meant to be. Now skating was his oxygen Without it, he’d suffocate.

Yuta’s shoes condensed the fresh, powdery snow outside his front door. It was late November and freezing cold as he stuffed his hands into his winter coat pockets. He carefully made his way down the steps, trying not to slip on the treacherous patches of ice. He crunched the snow gently beneath his feet as he turned onto the sidewalk. He walked to the rink everyday, just another excuse to exercise. Not that he needed it, he was extremely fit. He had great upper body strength which he used to lift his partner. He had amazing abs, too. His friends loved to remind him of that fact. Yuta sighed, the breath coming out of his mouth visible in the cold, Autumn air.

He loved this walk, it gave him time to wake up a little more and to clear his head. There were certain times when he did struggle a bit as he did before. Generally when he was close to a competition or struggling with a routine is when he could feel the numbness tingle on the tips of his fingers. His friends taught him the best way to cope: self medication. Yes, it sounded stupid and like he was just interested in getting high, but it wasn’t just that. It helped him calm down. He wasn’t a stoner like his friends, he just did it every so often so he could relax, get a good night’s sleep, and focus on his competitions. He did like the way it made him feel though, time slowed down and he always hyper-focused on one thing, skating. Everything came back to that for him as lame as it sounded.

He pushed open the door to the cafe, the warmth immediately draping a blanket of comfort over his shoulders. Yuta stomped the small bit of snow off on the mat so he didn’t trace anything inside. He liked this cafe, it was quaint and cozy and they knew just how he liked his coffee. Mostly because his friend, Taeyong, worked there. They’d been friends since high school, along with Jaehyun. Johnny, Mark, and Jeno came later. Taeyong was a good friend too, he came to every competition and occasionally watched the boys’ hockey games with Yuta. He looked up to the counter, immediately recognizing Taeyong as the boy was fixing something for someone else. It had been awhile since he’d come to the cafe, but he was happy that the boy was still there. He stepped up to the counter, waiting patiently for the boy to turn around so he could take his order,

“Oh my God, hi.” Taeyong smiled at Yuta as he set the drink he was making on the counter. The Japanese boy paid little attention to the woman who came to grab her coffee from beside him, instead opting to smile back at the Korean boy with bright eyes,

“Good morning.” Yuta bowed his head slightly as his friend picked up a large cup from the stack next to him. He took the sharpie from his apron pocket, sticking the top in his mouth so he could pull the cap off. He hesitated as he pressed the tip to the paper cup,

“The usual, right?” He glanced at Yuta who nodded before jotting something down on the to-go cup. He set the cup down, putting the cap back on the marker before setting both hands on the edge of the counter, “How’ve you been?”

“Tired, but good. Still skating and whatnot. But, definitely tired.” Yuta nodded, still smiling as he ran a hand through his hair,

“I can’t imagine you _not_ skating, but I can understand the exhausted-ness. I’m tired too.” Tae smiled as he picked up the cup and began fixing the Japanese boy’s coffee. It was always really nice to talk to friends, especially when he was feeling extra tired and drained. Yuta checked the time. It had only been about ten minutes since he left his place, but it was almost six and if he wasn’t there he’d never hear the end of it from his partner. He shoved his phone back into his pocket, sighing gently as he watched Taeyong work. It was quiet in the cafe, it always was before six. Nobody willingly woke up before six unless they had to work or were absolutely insane. The days Yuta could sleep in, he’d sleep like he’d never slept before. He’d laze around, lying in bed all day as his mangled feet throbbed from the constant stress they were subjected to. He barely ever got up on those days. Simply because he was exhausted, there was nothing tying him to getting out of bed so why should he?

His brother would hang out in his room, playing video games on the TV as they talked about life or some other shit. Yuta thought that was when he felt the most normal. Spending time with his little brother, talking about school and the older occasionally giving the younger relationship advice about talking to girls. They never really did that and Yuta appreciated it when they did. But, every time he stepped his feet onto the floor, he was reminded of the demanding nature of his life. He didn’t really mind how roughed up his body was. He was careful to make sure that he was taking the proper care of his body. He’d gotten skating injuries before and they’re awful, but only because it sets him back. Yuta doesn’t have any time to take time off. He remembered he fractured his right ankle and was off the ice for a little over two months. It didn’t seem like a very long time, but for him it was agonizing. He _hated_ being useless and without him, his partner could only work on her jumps, he couldn’t lift her, he couldn’t do anything but watch.

“Deep in thought, I see.” Taeyong set his coffee in front of him and Yuta looked at him as he was brought back to reality,

“God, I’m so out of it,” Yuta rubbed his face before picking up his coffee to take a sip, “I was hanging out with Jaehyun if that tells you anything.”

“Shame. Jung is a bad influence.” Taeyong waved his finger in Yuta’s face who laughed gently,

“He still has a crush on you.” The Japanese boy raised his eyebrows,

“I am…Very aware of that,” Taeyong ran a hand through his hair as he sighed, “But like, we ended whatever we were back in high school and we’re still friends. I don’t really know what else he wants, he’s not my type anymore. Plus, we were like an unofficial thing and he completely ignored that because he was still flirting with other people.”

“He’s always been finicky with his relationships. He can’t decide what he wants. But it was really awkward when I walked in on you guys making out or something.” Yuta chuckled with a smirk,

“That coffee was going to be free but now it’s three dollars for that wonderful reminder.” Taeyong shook his head, holding out his hand,

“Keep the change, Tae.” Yuta handed him a five dollar bill,

“Goodbye, Yuta. Practice hard.” Tae smiled at him. He was a pretty boy with big eyes and a sharp face. He didn’t blame Jaehyun for liking him all these years because if Yuta knew what he liked, he’d probably like him too,

“Thanks, I’ll see you around.” The Japanese boy gave him a shallow bow before stepping out of the cafe and back into the late Autumn chill.

***

Yuta shut the door to his locker. He had just arrived at the rink and was putting on his skates so he could get on the ice. He was slightly late, but only slightly. He’d already downed his coffee and he could feel the caffeine beginning to pump through his veins. He sauntered out of the locker room and up the ramp towards the rink. He heard the familiar slice of skates and he had to smile, letting out a breath of relief. He threw his blade guards onto the bleachers and slid out onto the scarcely marked ice. He raised an eyebrow, looking around as he only saw two people he recognized. Sicheng and Renjun. Where was his partner? She should’ve been there already, it was at least 6:15. He hadn’t checked his phone though, maybe she had texted him? He couldn’t check now though, his phone was in his backpack.

He looked at Renjun who was staring at Sicheng as the Chinese boy discussed something with his coach at the edge of the rink. Yuta skated over to him and the younger looked up at him,

“Hey.” Renjun greeted him,

“Hi. What’s up?” Yuta crossed his arms, glancing at Sicheng again,

“He kept popping his jumps, a real turn of events from yesterday. I thought he might fall and hurt himself.” The Chinese boy told him, looking back at the the boy on the opposite side of the rink. Sicheng looked over, his face red from either embarrassment or cold, Yuta couldn’t tell. The older Chinese boy looked away, skating his way off the ice and stomping his way down the ramp. It was embarrassment. The Japanese boy raised an eyebrow before scanning the rink again,

“She’s not here yet?” Yuta looked at Renjun again,

“Did she not tell you?” Renjun crossed his arms,

“Tell me what…?” The Japanese boy bit his lip nervously, chewing on the skin,

“She broke her ankle.” The younger brushed off his legs. Yuta felt his heart sink and he suddenly couldn’t find any words, especially not to describe the utter feeling of hopelessness that wrapped up his body. Without a partner, he couldn’t practice. Without a partner, he couldn’t compete. Without a partner, he couldn’t even skate. He felt like he just got the wind knocked out of him and he was desperately trying to catch his breath, but every time he breathed he was sucking in water. He felt his skates carry him to the edge of the rink and he hurried to the locker room. He pushed open one of the stall doors in the bathroom before dropping to his knees, coming face to face with the much less than clean toilet.

This was a familiar feeling and a familiar position to him. His shaking hands gripping the porcelain so hard they almost matched the whiteness of it. It was disgusting and it was pathetic. Four words could make him dry heave into the toilet of a public bathroom. All he had in his stomach was coffee and he was thankful it didn’t come back up, but he could feel the familiar burn in the back of his throat. He knew it all too well. Yuta grimaced when he realized what was happening. And as gross as it was, he stared into the water, his hands becoming lax as he took deep breaths in order to calm himself of the impending panic. He felt a tear slide down his cheek and he heard it drip into the water. He closed his eyes, silently willing away the the need to cry as he sat back against the door. He sat there for a moment, letting himself calm down. _Sniffle_. Yuta opened his eyes at the sound. _Fuck_. Was there someone else in there? He heard another sniffle and looked to see if he could see any feet in the stall next to him to no avail,

“Hello?” Yuta spoke quietly, picking himself up off of the floor and opening the door. His skates echoed on the bathroom floor as he left the stall to look at himself in the mirror. No one answered him, but he knew there was someone else in the bathroom with him. He turned around, leaning against the sink. He stared at the locked door of the other stall as if he could see through it, “Is someone there?”

He heard another sniffle and then a defeated sigh as another pair of skates met the floor. The door opened before Sicheng stepped out, his eyes rimmed red and watery. His face was flushed, but his cheeks were bright red from what Yuta assumed was crying. The Japanese boy’s eyebrows knit together in worry as he saw him. Sicheng’s eyes were glossy, his eyelashes wet from tears. His lips were raw and red from persistent, anxious chewing and his hair was messy. He looked oddly pretty like that, but Yuta pushed the thought from his mind and let concern replace the idea,

“Are you okay?” Yuta prodded as he looked at the Chinese boy,

“I’m fine.” Sicheng nodded, pulling a paper towel from the dispenser and wiping off his forehead before dabbing at his eyes. He balled it up, crushing it in his palm before tossing it in the trash,

“You don’t always have to land your jumps,” Yuta crossed his arms, tugging at his shirt. As soon as it came out of his mouth he regretted it. This wasn’t any of his business. Sicheng rolled his eyes, setting them on him as he placed his hands on the sink. The Chinese boy glanced at himself in the mirror before looking down, “Sorry, not my place.”

“Whatever. What’s wrong with you?” Sicheng asked,

“What’s wrong with me?” Yuta wondered aloud. _A lot_ , he thought. He looked over at him curiously,

“Yeah, are you sick or something? Your gagging almost made me want to puke, too.” The Chinese boy lifted himself onto the counter,

“No. I’m not sick. I think I just ate something bad or…something.” A blatant lie. Yuta looked down, seemingly very interested in his beat up skates,

“Mm.” Sicheng nodded. The Japanese boy looked at him, his eyes drawn to the red seeping through the forearm of his long-sleeved, white shirt. Yuta looked at him before taking his wrist and pushing up his sleeve. Shallow, crescent shaped cuts were pressed into his skin, blood dribbling out of them, just enough to soak through his sleeve. Sicheng ripped his arm away, slapping a hand over the wound, “What the _fuck_ is your problem?”  
“What happened?” Yuta looked at him again. He watched the other boy pull down his sleeve, keeping his hand over the spot in a tight grip,

“None of your damn business. Don’t touch me, you don’t even know me. Jesus Christ.” Sicheng pushed himself off of the counter and stalked towards the door. He glowered at the Japanese boy before swinging open the door. Yuta looked at himself in the mirror. He probably shouldn’t have done that, but seriously, was there any explanation for it? The crescent shape would’ve matched the Chinese boy’s fingernails perfectly and he acutely aware of what that meant. He knew it all too well. Had it been something else he would’ve apologized, it was truly uncalled for and there was no reason for him to be so aggressive with someone he barely even knew. But his instincts kicked in and he got worried. There was no way he could’ve sliced himself with a skate by accident as a single skater. And the fact that he got so defensive over it didn’t help the situation. He’d apologize later, taking full responsibility for his gratuitousness and hopefully get on good terms with the boy. He seemed like he would be very kind once Yuta broke the layer of ice that encased him.

Yuta turned on the faucet, cupping his hands to catch the cold water that streamed from it. He splashed it on his face. He needed to call his partner and he desperately needed to talk to his coach. The panicky feeling had passed and now he was just confused on what he was supposed to do. Sectionals were fast approaching and if he didn’t have a partner he couldn’t compete and if he couldn’t compete he didn’t know what he would do. His life revolved around skating. And no matter how tired he was of it, of treading water, without skating he was sure to drown. He slapped his cheek lightly to wake himself up from the dreamlike trance he was moving through, stood up tall, and marched out of the bathroom as if he didn’t just almost throw up or invade someone’s personal space. He had a lot of things to fix. One step at a time.


End file.
